Today I went to a supermarket for the first time in over a week. Which sounds mad really considering I haven’t got that much food in the house. I’ve been working and Lucy has been having school lunches and dinner at my mums. I on the other hand have been eating whatever has been left in the house when I’ve finished work.

Anyway, the point being is I’ve been actively avoiding shopping since the beginning of December. I’ve got a food shop coming on the 23rd for Christmas and so help me god if anything is unavailable 😖 I’ve been buying presents throughout the year so I’m feeling fairly organised.

I had one present to get today. My secret Santa gift for work. I knew what I needed. I knew this supermarket was the only place I could get it. The effort I went to today, I hope he bloody likes it!

I try to get parked. It’s an absolute nightmare. I just park at the opposite end of the car park to the store and walk. I’m almost run over on a pedestrian crossing. This is a brilliant start.

I slalom through the crowds to the other end of the store. I’m certainly gaining my step count here! I pick up the box I need. It’s important to tell you that it’s alcohol I’m buying. Starting to walk to the checkout I notice one bottle in the box hasn’t got the bubble when it’s on it’s side. One of the bottles is actually smashed. FFS! So I go back, put the broken set on a cage in the aisle and pick up another. Except the box is damaged on this one. I finally pick up what I need and it’s in perfect nick so I’m now racing to the checkouts.

I go through the self service because with 1 item why wouldn’t you, unless you’re a monster. Obviously as it’s alcohol it flags up on the checkout. Well I’m now at the age where I’m not getting ID’d anymore so I’m not worried about that. Except the person authorising it paused, checked me out and then realised we used to work together. So now it’s become more awkward. We say our pleasantries and I leave. Rushing back to my car at the far end of the car park. It feels like forever away.

Now I’m in my car and my heart is beating out my chest. Nothing terrible happened in the grand scheme of things but I feel my eyes welling up. I hate crowds and busy places but was this really that bad?

I drive away, shaking for some reason. But I am not sitting in that car park any longer. I get about 10 minutes up the road when I actually get the urge to be sick. I pull up into a car park, stop, open my car door and dry heave.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly anxious person. I’d say I’m more nervous and lack confidence. I am still able to get up and leave the house most days. I’m fine at work too. Normally in situations like this my heart just beats a bit faster and I roll my eyes more. Nothing else. Not like today.

Is this what anxiety feels like? If it is I hate it. How do people deal with this all the time? I don’t know enough about anxiety to say I’m suffering from it. I hope it’s just a one off and it’s just the result of doing too many days in a row at work. I feel like I’m just being silly and it’s nothing at all and I’ve worked myself up for no reason. I can’t do that every time I go somewhere busy. I would never go out.

I’m now super worried as it will only get worse in the last few days before Christmas. I luckily only have one more shift until Christmas. Which is Saturday. Otherwise, I’m staying in, blanket on and watch Christmas movies.

How do you deal with feelings like this? Has this happened to you before and how did you cope?