Here’s to 2019!

Posted on by Emma Strowger

Happy New Year all! Hope you all celebrated in style. Me? I fell asleep around 10.30pm. I wasn’t doing anything and worked all day yesterday so the tiredness got to me.

I’m sure everyone has a list of New Years resolutions or have an anti resolution list, which really are still resolutions FYI.

I have a couple and I’ve already achieved one today. I have a few I would like to share and then a few other goals to achieve personally which I will share if it happens. So no pressure for those at all.

The first one I have achieved already is to delete Facebook.

I have far too much ‘stuff’ on Facebook – my daughter’s school stuff, most of which does not apply to her now she’s in her last year, ads, groups and people I have met a few times through work but I don’t actually know them.

The only thing I’ll miss is the Team Lifted group, connections with family (most of which though are on Instagram and/or Twitter) and stuff to do with my daughter’s drama class. I could end up missing out on valuable information on that but hopefully I can still stay in the loop.

I haven’t actually been using Facebook very much. Only to post my holiday photos and to endlessly scroll through my news feed which was exactly what everyone else does really. Upload your highlights and I guess, I just don’t have that many highlights to share. I was just getting tired of peoples constant updates – and not that they are annoying, no not at all. It was more being annoyed at myself that I wasn’t doing the something similar or ‘cool’ or sometimes wondering why I wasn’t a part of it – which is the worst.

So I binned it off and I already feel better for it.

Next one is an oldie but a goldie – lose weight!

Oh my goodness I can’t tell you how much weight I’ve put on over the last couple of years and I’ve done nothing about it.

This year I’m going to actually seek out a personal trainer and invest in myself and get shit done. I’ve not got a goal weight but I do have a few goals that I want to achieve in the gym. I would like to at least attempt a pull up. Also I’d like to lift heavier than 20kg which is little heavier than what I used to be able to do when I was much fitter in what feels like a previous life! Sounds pretty bad, I know but I’m a weak ass but this year that’s going to change.

Third and final goal – keep this blog updated. This is blog post 3 in total and I started this after the summer. So I vow to update at least once every couple of weeks at least. I’m also going to be more active on my Instagram account that I have with this blog.

So that’s kind of it.

Let 2019 bring peace, love and happiness into your life. And if it doesn’t then just ride it out until 2020 – you got this!

 

My day today

Posted on by Emma Strowger

Today I went to a supermarket for the first time in over a week. Which sounds mad really considering I haven’t got that much food in the house. I’ve been working and Lucy has been having school lunches and dinner at my mums. I on the other hand have been eating whatever has been left in the house when I’ve finished work.

Anyway, the point being is I’ve been actively avoiding shopping since the beginning of December. I’ve got a food shop coming on the 23rd for Christmas and so help me god if anything is unavailable 😖 I’ve been buying presents throughout the year so I’m feeling fairly organised.

I had one present to get today. My secret Santa gift for work. I knew what I needed. I knew this supermarket was the only place I could get it. The effort I went to today, I hope he bloody likes it!

I try to get parked. It’s an absolute nightmare. I just park at the opposite end of the car park to the store and walk. I’m almost run over on a pedestrian crossing. This is a brilliant start.

I slalom through the crowds to the other end of the store. I’m certainly gaining my step count here! I pick up the box I need. It’s important to tell you that it’s alcohol I’m buying. Starting to walk to the checkout I notice one bottle in the box hasn’t got the bubble when it’s on it’s side. One of the bottles is actually smashed. FFS! So I go back, put the broken set on a cage in the aisle and pick up another. Except the box is damaged on this one. I finally pick up what I need and it’s in perfect nick so I’m now racing to the checkouts.

I go through the self service because with 1 item why wouldn’t you, unless you’re a monster. Obviously as it’s alcohol it flags up on the checkout. Well I’m now at the age where I’m not getting ID’d anymore so I’m not worried about that. Except the person authorising it paused, checked me out and then realised we used to work together. So now it’s become more awkward. We say our pleasantries and I leave. Rushing back to my car at the far end of the car park. It feels like forever away.

Now I’m in my car and my heart is beating out my chest. Nothing terrible happened in the grand scheme of things but I feel my eyes welling up. I hate crowds and busy places but was this really that bad?

I drive away, shaking for some reason. But I am not sitting in that car park any longer. I get about 10 minutes up the road when I actually get the urge to be sick. I pull up into a car park, stop, open my car door and dry heave.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly anxious person. I’d say I’m more nervous and lack confidence. I am still able to get up and leave the house most days. I’m fine at work too. Normally in situations like this my heart just beats a bit faster and I roll my eyes more. Nothing else. Not like today.

Is this what anxiety feels like? If it is I hate it. How do people deal with this all the time? I don’t know enough about anxiety to say I’m suffering from it. I hope it’s just a one off and it’s just the result of doing too many days in a row at work. I feel like I’m just being silly and it’s nothing at all and I’ve worked myself up for no reason. I can’t do that every time I go somewhere busy. I would never go out.

I’m now super worried as it will only get worse in the last few days before Christmas. I luckily only have one more shift until Christmas. Which is Saturday. Otherwise, I’m staying in, blanket on and watch Christmas movies.

How do you deal with feelings like this? Has this happened to you before and how did you cope?

‘Perfect Never Gets Stronger’

Posted on by Emma Strowger

Just a slogan on a really sweet tee I bought on my holiday.

Or is it? ‘Perfect never gets stronger’. 

I can’t tell you how long I’ve been chasing perfection. From seeing the older girls fret over costume sizes in a school show to not going out because I don’t feel like I’m the right size. That’s basically the beginning and the rock bottom of it all. I’m now 32 and I think the penny is dropping that ‘being perfect’ is not a thing. 

I have wasted part of my teens and all of my twenties putting my life on hold and not doing certain things because I haven’t felt good enough. I don’t think I’m thin enough. I have no confidence. I don’t meet new people because I’m too scared to go out alone. Too worried that people who haven’t even met me yet don’t like me. Don’t want to bother friends because surely they don’t want to speak to me. They have newer and/or better friends now. 

Ironically by putting my life on hold and being unhappy, I have just become bigger and the cycle starts again. 

You can’t be perfect and become better. Once you’re perfect that’s it. There is no room for improvement. 

I don’t want to be perfect if it means putting everything on hold until you hit that idea of perfection. Especially when perfect means something different to everyone.

‘Perfect never gets stronger’ Except I will get stronger, because I will never be perfect. 

*edit: my tee is from Reebok if you’re wondering.

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